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The pandemic has left no one untouched, even the most secure among us. The stress of the combined health, economic and racial inequality crises has illuminated and intensified even our seemingly insignificant woes and worries. We’re collectively experiencing a monumental life shift and actively leaning on our inner circle for support as a result.
This means that sometimes we’ll have to play armchair therapist with our friends. In fact, showing vulnerability promotes more intimate and enriching friendships. In this moment of widespread malaise, however, you may be called upon more frequently to be the emotional caretaker. While research has shown that friendship is a way to combat burnout, one-sided relationships can also contribute to emotional fatigue.
“If you’re the one who’s on more of the receiving end, you can burn out,” said Racine Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York City. “It can become draining to be the one everyone calls and not the one people ask, ‘How are you doing?’ or ‘What do you need?’”
Of course, we never want to leave our friends high and dry in a time of distress, but maintaining our own emotional equilibrium is crucial if we’re to be fully present for our companions, Dr. Henry said — which is important in this moment. Here’s how to remain supportive of your friends during a global crisis without feeling as if you’ve fallen into the role of therapist.
Determine what your friend truly needs
The friend who typically fulfills the therapist role in a friendship usually has a knee-jerk reaction to problem solve when a loved one approaches them with a gripe or concern, said Jan Yager, a sociologist and the author of “Friendgevity: Making and Keeping the Friends Who Enhance and Even Extend Your Life.” Instead of immediately offering advice, we should ask our pals if they simply want to vent or if they’d like feedback, she said, because sometimes “they don’t want solutions, they want to share.”
This is especially important during the pandemic when each person’s circumstances are different. A friend who lives alone and doesn’t regularly interact with others may want to get some things off their chest, while another might want your advice assessing the risk of a social activity.
If your friend is looking for a compassionate ear instead of guidance, don’t mentally check out of the conversation. Dr. Yager said to offer validating remarks, like, “Thanks for letting me know that,” or, “I can’t believe that happened to you.”
“You don’t have to immediately say, ‘Here are five things you can do to deal with what you’re going through,’” she said.
Set boundaries
In virtually all relationships, boundaries help prevent one person, job or activity from becoming all encompassing. Because our friends aren’t knowingly taking advantage of our time and insight, the onus is on the person who feels burned out to create a framework for when they’re available to provide a sympathetic ear, Dr. Henry said.
While it’s normal to want to avoid coming off as insensitive or a bad person when telling a friend we’ll be unreachable during nights and weekends, it’s important to recognize that we need time to recharge, too, said Andrea Bonior, a licensed clinical psychologist in the Washington, D.C. area and the author of “Detox Your Thoughts: Quit Negative Self-Talk for Good and Discover the Life You’ve Always Wanted.”
“It’s a matter of each day thinking about, ‘OK, here are the priorities that I have and here is what I have to give and here is what I don’t have to give,’” she said.
Boundary-setting can be as straightforward as implementing a time limit on your attention, Dr. Bonior said. If the pandemic lifestyle requires monitoring the kids’ remote schooling on top of work priorities, offer a solution by letting a friend know we don’t have time to text during the week but can schedule an hourlong catch-up call during Friday’s lunch break.
“Setting that expectation in terms of time can be helpful if time is one of the ways where it’s getting overly draining to you,” Dr. Bonior said.
We’re not deserting our friends by creating space for ourselves. To quell guilt over not answering your emotionally raw friend’s every call, Dr. Henry said, we should remind ourselves that we can’t be that person’s only channel of support.
“You have to develop a comfort with their discomfort,” she said. “If a friend is used to calling you at the drop of a dime or you being their go-to and you change that dynamic, I think you should expect they won’t be comfortable with that right away — and they’re going to have to get used to that.”
Don’t take on their baggage
Emotional empathy, or the ability to feel the emotions of another person, signifies closeness, studies show. However, too much empathy can result in emotional exhaustion, according to research. During a pandemic where bad news runs rampant, our stores of sympathy may soon run out, Dr. Bonior said.
While we may be well-meaning in relating with our companion, it’s not necessarily in our best interest to take on the emotional weight of their problems. Our friend’s woes — whether professional, familial, financial or otherwise — are not our own and we have limited power in resolving them, Dr. Bonior said.
“It’s not up to you to make things better for them,” she said. “Just being in a relationship with them and being willing to listen is something really valuable.”
Of course, if a friend is consistently voicing concerns over not having adequate child care or difficulties finding work, have patience and let them vent for as long as they need, Dr. Bonior said.
“We are in a situation where more people are more helpless than they would normally be,” she said. “They’re less able to change their situation than they would normally be.”
In the event that a friend’s depression or anxiety worsens, suggest they see a licensed counselor or other mental health professional. The key is to couch the recommendation in a way that doesn’t feel like an attack, but as a solution to a problem you don’t have the proficiency to manage, Dr. Yager said.
“You need to state it in a way that your friend sees that you’re making this suggestion out of friendship and love,” she said, “and that you simply don’t have the expertise that he or she needs to deal with the issue your friend has been grappling with.”
Be kind with yourself
Feeling emotionally depleted is a regular aspect of pandemic life, regardless of our experience, and it’s OK to admit we’re feeling overwhelmed, too. We can’t make our loved ones’ fears and difficulties vanish, but feeling anguished and incapacitated by their pain won’t make you a more effective friend — instead, expect the opposite, Dr. Bonior said.
“It’s not up to you to fix or be someone’s therapist as a friend,” she said. “A lot of times, just bearing witness to someone else’s pain and just listening is enough.”
So set boundaries, get enough sleep and take a walk outside so you can capably be there for your friends when they need you.
