Last reviewed on October 24, 2012
By Michael Craig Miller, M.D.
Harvard Medical School
Anyone who's had to apologize for something knows how difficult
it can be to get the words out. Yet an apology is often the first step toward
repairing a damaged relationship, be it personal or professional. Although not
all mental health experts agree on this, an apology may be a prerequisite for
forgiveness.
Conflict and error can occur in any relationship. People make
mistakes, lash out in anger or say things they regret later. In fact, one of the
main reasons people undergo psychotherapy is to try to resolve personal
conflicts, betrayals and hurts. And some therapists integrate formal apologies
into couples or family therapy.
To be effective, an apology has to be genuine, says Dr. Aaron
Lazare, a professor of psychiatry and former chancellor of the University of
Massachusetts Medical School, who has been studying this topic since 1993. Dr.
Lazare has said, "A good apology can foster healing, but a faulty apology only
makes a bad situation worse."
You need to understand the nature of the hurt you've caused and
then address it in the apology. For example, if a person you have offended feels
humiliated, then the apology might be worded in a way to restore self-respect
and dignity. If you've made a mistake that causes someone an injury, damages
property or causes some other financial loss, an apology might include a promise
to provide compensation or take corrective action so the mistake doesn't happen
again.
An apology doesn't guarantee forgiveness, of course. And in
some cases the offended party may be too hurt or angry to accept an apology. One
dramatic example is sexual abuse: Some victims may need to hear a genuine
apology in order to come to terms with the injury, while others never want to
deal with the perpetrator again.
A genuine apology acknowledges an offense and expresses
remorse. But it's hard for people to get it right. According to Dr. Lazare, an
effective apology has four parts while ineffective apologies usually miss the
mark in one of these areas.
- Acknowledge the offense. The most common error people make is not to
adequately acknowledge the offense by using vague or evasive language, or by
wording the apology in a way that minimizes the offense or questions whether the
victim was really hurt. Take responsibility for the offense, whether it was a
physical or psychological harm, and confirm that the behavior was not
acceptable. Sometimes people apologize for the wrong offense or address the
wrong party.
- Explain what happened. The challenge here is to explain how the
offense occurred without excusing it. In fact, sometimes the best strategy is to
say there is no excuse. "A humble remark is better than a dumb excuse," Dr.
Lazare says.
- Express remorse. If you regret the error, feel ashamed or humiliated,
say so: This is all part of expressing sincere remorse.
- Offer to make reparation. If the offense has hurt someone's feelings or caused a specific loss, acknowledge the pain, promise to be more sensitive in the future and offer appropriate compensation for any financial losses.
When apologizing, listen carefully to the offended person. This
may be as important as speaking. Although it's never easy to remain quiet while
someone else expresses anger, sadness or disappointment, it's necessary to truly
hear what the person is saying. Active listening can help you understand what
the other person wants from your apology, such as to restore dignity or to
recognize fault.
Timing and delivery of an apology also matter. Although you
should apologize as soon as possible after the mistake is discovered or
acknowledged, a sincere apology may not be enough to restore trust after a
significant personal betrayal. The person who feels wronged may need to know
what specific steps will be taken to make amends and minimize future pain. This
may take time and several conversations.
Here are examples of effective apologies and why they
work:
From one spouse to another: "I'm sorry I lost my temper
last night. I've been under a lot of pressure at work, but that's no excuse for
my behavior. I love you and will try harder not to take my frustrations out on
you."
Why it works: The speaker is taking responsibility, explaining but not excusing the mistake, expressing remorse and caring, and promising reparation.
Why it works: The speaker is taking responsibility, explaining but not excusing the mistake, expressing remorse and caring, and promising reparation.
From a doctor to a patient: "I prescribed the wrong dose
of your medication. I apologize for this mistake. It shouldn't have happened.
I'd like to talk with you about what how we can safeguard your health in the
future."
Why it works: The physician is taking responsibility, describing the mistake, expressing a caring attitude and beginning a conversation about how to remedy the error.
Why it works: The physician is taking responsibility, describing the mistake, expressing a caring attitude and beginning a conversation about how to remedy the error.
Here are examples of ineffective apologies and why they
are a problem:
"I apologize for whatever happened."
Why it doesn't work: The language is vague and the offense isn't specified.
Why it doesn't work: The language is vague and the offense isn't specified.
"Mistakes were made."
Why it doesn't work: Using the passive voice avoids taking responsibility.
Why it doesn't work: Using the passive voice avoids taking responsibility.
"To the degree that you were hurt..."
Why it doesn't work: The wording casts doubt on whether the injured party was really harmed.
Why it doesn't work: The wording casts doubt on whether the injured party was really harmed.
"Even the best people make mistakes."
Why it doesn't work: This expresses arrogance rather than humility.
Why it doesn't work: This expresses arrogance rather than humility.
If you are interested in making a genuine apology, try to
validate that an offense has occurred and that you are at fault. In some
instances, you may need to help restore a person's dignity and power. Make sure
you show that you feel bad and that you care about the person you have hurt.
This approach can provide an entrée into a dialogue based on shared values, and
you can begin to right a wrong.
(Note: This article was written after discussions with Dr.
Lazare in 2008. His book, On Apology, was published in 2004.)
Allan A, et al. "Exploration of the Association Between Apology
and Forgiveness Amongst Victims of Human Rights Violations," Behavioral Sciences
and the Law (2006), Vol. 24, No. 1, pp. 87–102.
DiBlasio F. "The Use of a Decision-Based Forgiveness Intervention Within Intergen-erational Family Therapy," Journal of Family Therapy (Feb. 1998), Vol. 20, No. 1, pp. 77–94.
Kohn LT, et al. To Err is Human: Building a Safer Health System (Washington, D.C.: National Academies Press, 2000).
Lazare A. "Apology in Medical Practice: An Emerging Clinical Skill," Journal of the American Medical Association (Sept. 20, 2006), Vol. 296, No. 11, pp. 1401–04.
Lazare A. On Apology (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2004).
Leape LL. "Full Disclosure and Apology: An Idea Whose Time Has Come," Physician Executive (March–April 2006), Vol. 32, No. 2, pp. 16–18.
Legaree TA, et al. "Forgiveness and Therapy: A Critical Review of Conceptualizations, Practices, and Values Found in the Literature," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (April 2007), Vol. 33, No. 2, pp. 192–213.
Roberts RG. "The Art of Apology: When and How to Seek Forgiveness," Family Prac-tice Management (July-Aug. 2007), Vol. 14, No. 7, pp. 44–49.
When Things Go Wrong: Responding to Adverse Events (Boston: Massachusetts Coalition for the Prevention of Medical Errors, 2006).
DiBlasio F. "The Use of a Decision-Based Forgiveness Intervention Within Intergen-erational Family Therapy," Journal of Family Therapy (Feb. 1998), Vol. 20, No. 1, pp. 77–94.
Kohn LT, et al. To Err is Human: Building a Safer Health System (Washington, D.C.: National Academies Press, 2000).
Lazare A. "Apology in Medical Practice: An Emerging Clinical Skill," Journal of the American Medical Association (Sept. 20, 2006), Vol. 296, No. 11, pp. 1401–04.
Lazare A. On Apology (Oxford: Oxford University Press, 2004).
Leape LL. "Full Disclosure and Apology: An Idea Whose Time Has Come," Physician Executive (March–April 2006), Vol. 32, No. 2, pp. 16–18.
Legaree TA, et al. "Forgiveness and Therapy: A Critical Review of Conceptualizations, Practices, and Values Found in the Literature," Journal of Marital and Family Therapy (April 2007), Vol. 33, No. 2, pp. 192–213.
Roberts RG. "The Art of Apology: When and How to Seek Forgiveness," Family Prac-tice Management (July-Aug. 2007), Vol. 14, No. 7, pp. 44–49.
When Things Go Wrong: Responding to Adverse Events (Boston: Massachusetts Coalition for the Prevention of Medical Errors, 2006).
Michael Craig Miller, M.D. is Editor in Chief of the Harvard
Mental Health Letter. He is also associate physician at Beth Israel Deaconess
Medical Center and assistant professor at Harvard Medical School. He has been
practicing psychiatry for more than 25 years and teaches in the Harvard Longwood
Psychiatry Residency Program.